Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
