Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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