Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
