Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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