I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
