after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
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There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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