there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
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Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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