You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
