just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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