All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
