what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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