i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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