1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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