My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
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He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
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You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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