got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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