Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
