i jhust puked up my retainher.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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