i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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