She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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