All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
