Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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