I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
