Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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