any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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