My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
