My friends, they love my intelligence
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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