glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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