She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
