I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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