The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
