I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
