On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
