yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
