There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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