I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
