No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
