you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
