I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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