I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
