yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
