i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
