Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you had me at cake vodka
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Randomize
