Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
