I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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