get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
