Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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