I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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