If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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