Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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