Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
