youre lurking in front of me
Small penises have feelings too.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
