Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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