I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
