I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
