i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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