i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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