do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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