I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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