Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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