im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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