my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
