I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
